Double or triple feature choosen by you.

My next reviews will have been chosen by my lovely readers on the DP forum :)  I needed help to make a damn decision. It could end up a whole number of things, there's the killer bunny choice, feeders, howling has been suggested. I'm sure I put Maniac cop on the list too.

I'll have to check the poll tomorrow morning and see what has been chosen for me, but I have a sneaky suspicion, ooooo spoiler!!   

      That it's going to be: 

 

 

 

The big one, the one Jeremy Johnson has waited a year for....ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE!!

 

Who knew that Satan threw spongey looking one- eyed puppets that try to strangle you,  Jon Mikl Thor obviously didn't.   

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare was just that an absolutely nightmare, but not the scary wake up in cold sweats kind of nightmare, more the sort of nightmare that mostly included fore longing shots of sped-up trees in the wind and clouds with the kind of cheesy "oh that's got to be atmospheric" synthesised music that only the 80s could have produced, was I fearful of what was to happen?  No I really fucking wasn't, just irritated to hell by the sterotypical typical "ahhhh"s that are meant to conjure up dread. 

The beginning was only the start of such hilarity, with a darling family breakfast interrupted by the evil spirits (I was aware that it was going to be the evil spirits from the trippy "whoahhhhhh" zooming and distorting of the camera towards the house and then back again (whose god damn evil spirits seem to tamper with the camera equipment a lot through out this film) with 80s cop husband trimming his muttonchops in the bathroom what else is there for you to do has a bored housewife than let them suck you into the oven. 

  

So we learn that you shouldn't climb into ovens, 10yrs later we have Thor and his band turn up with their girlfriends to occupy this evil death trap that slain the family and so rudely got in the way of their breakfast routine!!! If you didn't know it already then the evil affect is cemented with yet more trippy camera distortions and oh god help us atmospheric trees crashing in the wind ( I wish I could have got hold of the one shot of a tree blowing in the wind, but it was sped-up to such a degree that it turned into TECHNO TREE the most powerful of all seizure inducing forces of nature).  Rock 'n' Roll nightmare couldn't really decide where it was a horror film or just a 80s (everything about this film is SO fucking 80s) soft-core porno about a few band members banging their girl-friends in dodgy house. 

They also could decide on what nationality the drummer was and neither can anyone else for that matter, his accent was horrible to say the least, I was thinking to myself wtf is that guy saying? Is he supposed to be British? Does the a bear shit in the woods? Is the pope a catholic? all those quite relevant questions!

 "Friggin' A!!!"  - Stig, was he British? was he Australian? Was he Eastern European? We'll never know. 

   
The only thing that I could be sure of was once he got possessed by an evil demonic monster he started speaking in a normally, his skills in bed suddenly got a whole lot better and his drumming skills went through the roof, maybe evil does pay off after all.  His girlfriend was a complete bitch haha she just didn't stop moaning, I think when they cast this woman they just picked the most sour faced with a grating voice lady they could find.

The rest of the band members were not as entertaining, there was Thor and his girl who eventually after many many hints actually have sex, although it takes for her to just stand there naked for him to finally get the just of this, (she'd been making hints all through the movie, what are you stupid?!)  we're then treated to what seems like a lifetime of sex scene in what appears to be the shittiest shower ever, instead of a raging warm fountain of water to soak them, there's a dribble that so weak it doesn't even lather up the soap when she's rubbing it over herself. This just goes on for ages.. 

There's the married couple who're just bonking like rabbits now because wow they've just been married! They are so boring, exactly what a average pair of newly weds would be like, where's the rock 'n' roll in that. We then have a minor couple, the band's bassist and keyboardist who for the best part of the start of the film just give each other the "I totally want to rock you like a hurricane" look, then when she takes her opportunity to pounce (ideally when he's not falling asleep while she rambles on about her childhood and such rubbish) we're treated to yet another soft-core porn bonanza and we also learn that everyone is completely silent when having sex well apart from when Stig gets his awesome Sting style sex powers after getting possessed. This also takes a decade of carefully grafted shots of gentile nudity and positions. 

Enough with this rubbish! The only rock 'n' roll we're treated too is two songs that okay I'll have to admit were quite catchy - Energy (Look at Stig go!)      

And the nightmare aspect was provided by some of the funniest puppet creatures I have ever witnessed, I found monster cam brilliant it was exactly like the white house dog cam, just bumping and jiving through the household, that's how you knew they were spying on the band members getting ready to take them, and the death scenes were so bad that they were gold. Among the strange deaths, was Stig killing his whiny girlfriend with a super hand bursting from his chest and savaging her, then you had the quick snatching of the wife of the married couple, talk about cock blocking, just as they were going to get down and dirty well doing the dishes a monstrous green hand snatched her away, just a like a Shepard's crook takes away a really rubbish actor (same shit really)  

Then the keyboardist and bassist go running after a make believe boy (a reincarnation of the son from the family at the beginning)  he turns into a monster and savages them (a hell of a lot of savaging goes on in this movie, come on it was the 80s, what women didn't like to get ravaged). Stig's death was probably the best, he gets accosted by a sexy blonde temptress (as the credits describe this role, although nothing can be as bad as the actress credited as "fisted woman" in the old classic "Zombie Christ".... but that's a whole another review guys ;] )  he grabs her boobs then she transforms into a hideous demon and bites off his shoulder, how's about that for PMS. 

Oh my fucking god, it's Dan Haggerty 

 

Satan's minions appeared to be playdough throwing stars with one eye, you'll see what I mean...but they start off in life as puppets each with a personality, they wear various hats and shit of course. Just wait till you see Satan, he's not much better than these poor excuses for bad-ass muppets, the ending I can't even describe in words..seriously, I will admit that I was crying laughing, it did really tickle me how incredibly fucking awful this is, it just reminds me of a terrible 80s montage that I saw for the beginning of an action film entitled Deadly Prey.  This last battle for good over evil starts with Thor just jumping up and more or lessing saying "Hahaha I fooled you, it was all a trick, I made it up, now we'll have an epic battle!" to which I reply "what?! you're telling me that Stig wasn't real? You bastard!" Before we do this...

Honourable mentions go towards their manager, indeed the poor man's Rick Moranis and those groupies who weren't used to their full potential at all and were kind of pointless, probably daughters of who ever was working on the set, "yeah honey, sure you can be an extra in what is going to be the greatest 80s movie of all time"   

Then they fight/hilarity ensues:

Satan: He'll fuck your shit up

Until you strangle him!

 For your viewing pleasure, I've most kindly found an extended version of this most immense battle: 

 

   

Elves

 

"It's a fucking ninja troll" 

Elves or to be more exact one elf (and trust me you wouldn't want any-more than one) is like Will Farrell's nightmare. If there was something that you definitely wanted for Christmas given the choice of anything in the world, it would not be to have freaky kinky elf sex to create a super Aryan race right?! Try telling that to your incestuous wheelchair bound Neo-Nazi  grandfather/ FATHER?! (more on that later)  when he sets you up for that little gig next year.

So here we have it Kirsten and the two bimbos whinging and complaining about the over commercialisation of Christmas........

But obviously that doesn't stop them from buying hot red x-mas bras to get laid

So they decide that to banish this co-operate demon they have to become blood sisters in the forbidden forest and pray to a goddess with "art deco" breasts (yes "art deco" breasts!)   but isn't that how everyone solves their problems be it disapproving of co-operate greed or not.  After a spooky wind and the dramatic breaking of the candle we make the instant realisation that Lord of The Rings lied to us, those ugly evil goblin type creatures aren't made in the bowls of disgust and evil, but actually born from the bloody of a moody teenage trallop, using the term teenage very loosely because the actress must be about 35. "Right yeah smash the system, we hate Christmas and voodoo will help us" but "Oh no mustn't disobey parents better get back home quick"  I loved the fact that grumpy teen's blood made the earth bubble and one Elf of terrible special effects to arise from it, seriously the way the Elf moved around and looked was like if E.T. had an evil retarded in-breed twin brother.  

Before the Elf starts running around causing mayhem, we get to meet Kirsten's dysfunctional family whose major dysfunctional flaws are centre to the flimsy plot-line. 

Kirsten: (after catching her brother spying on her) "I'm your fucking sister"
Willy: "Yeah, you've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them"
Incest runs deep within.. so you wouldn't believe how far from normal this family actually is, because I can't wait any longer in getting this "What the absolute fuck?" concept out there. Kirsten does actually find out towards the end of this beautiful Christmas parade that the senile grouchy old bastard in the wheelchair is her father, what easily could have been the best piece of soap acting dialogue ever:

Kirsten's Mother: Your father's in the study.
Kirsten: What? No. Grandfather's in the study. Dad is dead.
Kirsten's Mother: Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father!
Yes he planted his sweet German love seed into her mother, who wouldn't Deanna Lund is pretty hot! The father's explanation to Kirsten is that he did this in order to be able to create a prime specimen especially to have Crimbo loving with a genetically modified Nazi Elf but it's alright because his daughter in his own words was drugged and unconscious, that makes everything hunky dory then doesn't, "I'm sorry officer but I made sure she was sufficiently drugged before I did the deed"  "Oh well that's absolutely fine then son, so long as she didn't notice a thing"

Prior to this shocking revelation, Kirsten and dumb and dumber carried out their ultimate act of teenage rebellion for the holiday season, yep you guessed it, goofing on Santa, he fulfils all the criteria of being a shopping mall Santa, cocaine habit and perverse attitude "Santa says oral" Kirsten isn't that desperate for it to snow!! Hilarity ensues ho ho ho, she and oh so sexy Santa get into a shit load of trouble. A close encounter with a moody bitch and a pissed off store manager is just to much for this Santa and he heads to his secret Santa lair to do some hefty lines of the snowy stuff.

"Doctor Bob says: Don't do drugs kids!"

     
The demise of our lovable Santa Claus paves the way for Dan "I'm going to smoke my way through the whole movie whether you fucking like it or not" Haggerty as our down on his luck hero Santa, I'm sure I'd have needed all those cigarettes too if I'd have lowered myself to starring in this piece of crap, hell I'd be snorting the coke too.
Since there's been a horrible murder/death here then what better place to party!!!
So Kirsten and the two non-blondes get all dolled-up into their best whore gear to seduce Dave and his cronies, unbeknown to Kirsten while she's having all this teenage fun and frolics there are Nazi's after her, of course we didn't forget that she has to make love to E.T.'s fucked up twin to produce the Nazi super race, HELL YEAH!!  with much regret Brunette A and B die one is shot and the other mauled by the son of a bitch elf.  Cigarette Santa manages to pull his gun out and saves Kirsten from both elf and crazy Nazis, "Thanks a bunch Santa"    

"I don't want any fucking Nicorette patches"    

                                                                                                                               

Kirsten begins to learn the awful truth about her destiny (no wonder she hated Christmas that much) I have to be honest that I got so bored of this that I just wasn't paying any attention by the end.

So here is my brief summary of it:

1. Strange rule 34 type attempted rape scene

2. Oscar winning death - Electric Bathtub

3. Dan Haggerty keeps on smoking

.4. Elf dies and there's a happy ever after ending      

This movie taught me one thing though, how not to dispose of your cat at 1:22 -

Evil Toons

 "Yes of course Fred, although we know that it wasn't the last time we were to see David Carradine in that position.  

So here we have it Evil Toons or  '3 hot girls and the nerdy one with glasses find out that being able to read Latin unleashes a demonic horny cartoon dog'. One of the first lessons you learn in this film is that if Dick Miller of Gremlins frame ever employs you clean a creepy old house just don't do it. The beginning of this film is quite ironic and rather awkward as you watch David Carradine introduce himself both willingly and happily to a noose while the number of jokes that goes through your mind is phenomenal but as tempting as it maybe ;)  I think I'll leave you all hanging on that one. 
    
A big dark scary house (where David got his kicks in the basement) and a big scary pervert (Mr.Miller's views of the girls involves a very close camera shot of each girl's gusset as they bend over "niiice") our 4 willing college girls trying to earn an extra dime with a cleaning company; The dark haired Temptress/tramp/ex-porn star Madison Stone who most of the school football team are scoring tries with, the two blonde's who really look alike and seem to be "the sensible grown-ups" one of them which is fellow ex-porn star Barbara Dare and the gawky frumpy one in glasses who we later find out has a cracking set underneath those shapeless jumpers thanks to tramp and her seductive dancing. It comes as no surprise that they were all in porn at some point. 


Mr. Carradine comes back and delivers the book/necronomicon type thing to our busty heroines, in my belief this book should have been given far more lines then it had, the purely terrible puns this thing came out with were shocking!!  "I never knew you were one to jump to conclusions" it cackles has Carradine jumps off the stool with the rope around his neck, maybe "I never knew you were into this shit" would have been more apt. 


The one piece of advice that it does give that I should have followed "in times of trouble let your conscious be your guide"  why didn't I listen to my own conscious before I watched this!! 
Once they receive the book, they get little miss glasses whose smart but with great tits to translate it, obviously after they've got a good peek at the strange perverted cartoon drawings  "look where his tongue's going" that gives you an idea of ancient demon porn.  


Once the Latin has been read our friend the horny cartoon dog emerges, whilst he *cough* struggles with our little tramp Madison the other girls just think she's getting boned by her football boyfriend and yes you heard me horny cartoon dog!!    


This film just gets even more insane when the dog then proceeds to take over the ex-porn star's body and wants to get a bit freaky with old geeky but nice rack can read Latin girl. This whole movie just has you sitting there thinking lol that dog is one lucky guy having his gory but wicked way with soo many ex-porn babes and DICK MILLER!!  
Who thought his own pervertedness could be used against him, the dog while inhibiting Madison's body seduces him into the basement after a rather pervy neighbour sensed there was something going on in the house and called him to check it out. 


Needless to say Dick got finished off. Eventually we have David Carradine to the rescue, geeky gets saved from a doggy style roasting in-front of the fire and in goes the book (noo!! we enjoyed his puns so much, he was keeping this movie alive with hope for me)  
"I'll get you in the sequel for this" cries the horny cartoon dog as he melts away much like the villain in Who framed Roger Rabbit.  
The ending could have easily been the "Who shot JR?" dream sequence, needless to say they lived to fight and f**k cartoon dogs again.  


If a Necronomicon turns up on your door-step; Carradine isn't dead just waiting to destroy an evil cartoon dog, once your brainy friend who reads Latin figures it out. Turns out Olen was predicting the truth. 


Certainly not something you would expect to see on Who Framed Roger Rabbit?   
                                                                             

The Toxic Avenger!!

"Can you imagine the size of that thing"

The Toxic Avenger 

This has to be one of my favourite Troma productions, has many of you avid horror fans already know the premise of the plot revolves around poor old geeky Melvin the mop boy who cleans up the health club of what has to be the worst town in the history of film Tromaville!   

Tromaville Health club is a place where you pump iron like a madman while snogging a hot sexy babe or smoking a very healthy cigarette (good damn I want my gym to be like this!)  however Melvin doesn't get to do any of this he just bumbles about mopping after everybody else, including Bo"I'm stressed, he's stressing me out, I'm stressed, very stressed, it's stressing me out, Linda he's stressing me" zo who takes pleasure in humiliating Melvin with his cronies. Everybody knows at least on raging asshole and he personifies them all.

Naturally assholes always have smoking hot (even literally later on) girlfriends, this is where you suddenly realise that the one thing that really makes preppy girls wet in there panties, you were correct! Running over young innocent 12yrs old on bicycles till their heads explode and then taking some lovely photos for the album! 

This gang of sexually crazed sadists need to be stopped, but our hero is not amongst us just yet.  Now imagine your perfect night alone with that one special guy, where it could be! I'm guessing you weren't thinking of the local health club, that's slug's idea of romance. Unlucky for them Melvin catches them in the act (dirty) so now begins the plan of humiliation: Melvin is seduced by blonde into wearing a clown suit (men will do anything for a shit hot blonde, trust me)  "You put on your pink and I'll take off my pink"  
This results in our poor Melvin jumping out of a window and straight into a barrel of TOXIC WASTE! with utter embarrassment. 


So The Toxic Avenger is born  "agggghhhhh"  and his life of crime fighting begins after he's scared his dear old mom to death  "Melvin is there something wrong?"  "WTF do you think?!!"  This is where some of my favourite scenes from the movie start to kick off, I just love the action sequences and typical 80s martial arts stunts that every bad guy in that period learnt at villains 101 (not even these types of films escaped it) 
Cigar-face (don't mess with him, he'll put it out on you) and his bunch of henchmen are the first to get a beating when they try to rough up the friendly neighbourhood cop but never fear Melvin is here!! Where he proceeds to gore and tear up each henchman, once you've completed that mission you leave your calling card of a mop shoved down their throat just to put extra salt into their already gaping wounds. 

       

  A local hero is created!! He saved the cop's life, however Cigar face swore revenge!! 
The restaurant scene has to be the best, I mean how many different ways in a taco house is there to kill a man? Seriously!  The black guy gets his arm ripped off first I mean that has got to sting, Leroy (the lost member of a failing glam rock band) gets turned into a very yummy looking ice-cream dessert complete with a cherry on top! The third guy gets served extra crispy mmmmm, and our friend with one arm gets cooked to perfection.  


 He saves and meets the love of his life Sarah who he saves from the restaurant, she's blind (well she'd have to be wouldn't she, I mean come on!) but his voice is really dreamy, I'm going to admit that yes I did just say that. What other lady wouldn't agree with me, he had to have something to make up for his deformed looks, a really nice voice *swoon*  anyway they set-up home together: awww queue really sweet scenes of them moving in together, how delightful. 
It all goes wrong when Toxic decides to wash a little old lady whose presumed to be an innocent and he also gets his revenge on the group of turd teenagers Slug, Bozo "I'm getting stressed!, she's stressing me, I'm stressing"  and the two sadistic females,  The brunette gains a smoking hot ass ;)  and the blonde Linda is hunted down. Slug and Bozo get completely totalled in an old ladies car when Melvin catches up with them. 


Melvin himself is then hunted down when the crooked mayor launches a manhunt one him after he stuffed the old lady in the washing machine, I mean come on she couldn't have shrunk anymore! It's fine.
You get shown a great scene of Melvin and Sarah walking together down the street together "Do I look inconspicuous?" asks the radio active man in what appears to be "human" day clothing nicked straight from The Thing's closet.   
Melvin and Sarah set-up a love shack tent together while the villagers gather around like an angry mob, with the army there as well, they could have just had a really twisted style take on The Blues Brother ending. 
However you get that happily ever after feeling, when the villagers decide that he's way to much of a hero to them to destroy him, the little midget old lady isn't so innocent after all and the mayor gets his just desserts!! 


So THE TOXIC AVENGER!! lives to battle evil another day. *Queue scene of going off into the sunset*       

Skinned Deep

I was drawn into this movie simply from the delightful cover [insert laugh] and the sheer description: "Girl forced to marry mutant hill billy"  what could possibly go wrong?

The simple premise to the plot of this movie is the Rockwell family vacation, a cheer full all American family rolling through backwater America in their RV. However the daughter gets kidnapped and is forced to marry an inbreed from a family of mutants, to which the blurb declares "will have to use her own cunning and wit" to escape from.

A few spoilers but nobody is going to seriously want to watch this, I've included a Youtube vid of the only bit you need to see lol  

This movie starts basically when the Rockwells get a flat tyre (flat tyre being the queue for "shit's about to go down") so the father decides to go and get help. He come across this local cafe, which is run by an old woman/"grandma" (think Mother's day) who declares that her son is great with cars and invites them to her house.
This is where it starts to get fun, the family find their way to her home, which is a run down old boarded up shanty, she welcomes them has they arrive to the door. The house was decorated by the TCM family so the Rockwells pretend this is fairly normal and just pretend to be pleased for for the hospitality.
By now I'm just thinking this as already done everything in the good old horror book of cheesy movie situations.

Bring on the freaks!!!

Meet the family: We're then treated to a host of colourful characters which include, the surgeon general who we find out doesn't like having his photo taken, so that mom and dad out of the picture in no time.

Brain/Bryan, that name says it all basically to how he's mutated

and then the only reason I decided to watch this piece of garbage in the first place:

Warwick Davies!! when you see his name on the front of a movie that also had a mutant with a metal mouth looking pissed you kind of wonder what the hell he's doing in this  :-*

He's an insane plate throwing midget dressed in all in white with a serious cause of ADHD, called you guessed it Plates.

Warwick in action

Mom's died, Dad's died, your pain in the ass brother gets halved by the Surgeon General and Brain has a serious crush on you.

So what do you do?

That's it! You get tied to a truck, get forced to be kill a guy (by putting a little bit of sand in his mouth?), you then pretend to be crazy, lure Brain into a fault sense of security and kill them as he goes to kiss you.  Once them are done, you then go on a killing spree, bye bye grandma.

This is where it gets more like wtf and they try to get clever by saying "hey this isn't any normal cheap mutant hill billy slasher" with the creator and all his philosophical non-sense about the human race, that you don't give a shit about, because you want to see more mutants dissolving the way Brain did.

The creator turns out to be what I can only describe as a mutilated foetus with dreadlocks, I also need to mention that he's in the robotic body of a body builder, this ensures a laugh out loud fight scene.
She then has a tumble with old metal mouth general. Now what to do now, I know I'll see if the creator's robot body was anatomically correct by whipping up his loin cloth, although his loin cloth had dynamite label across it maybe she wanted to test the claim  ;)  low and behold, actual dynamite to blow up this god damned crap fest so we can all ride off into the sunset.

The general (he's relentless) gets smoked and she has to run him down right after a dream sequence of her died family saying forgiveness is the way, why didn't they just say that at the start and save us all.
Metal mouth gets fucked, robot mutant son of a bitch. She gets to the police station where you get that "clever" ending, she's stuck there, locals all in on it, police is going to finish her.
Credits roll with her screaming, so you scream with her for having wasted your time.

Over all on my list of worst low budget horror movie I've ever seen, Warwick Davies is absolutely brilliant though and there're a few laughable scenes in between the bad acting from princess Rockwell. Not an avoid at all costs, just a well see it for the madness if you fancy lol.

Welcome guys and ghouls.

Welcome to Nadia's Necronomicon of Horror Reviews.  

I have decided that I want to share my own individual take on the horror genre, so I'll be reviewing some of the wackiest, goriest and bloodiest that have ever been made. 

I seem to always stumble across a lot of really mind boggling stuff and it's at those moments where you think man I have to share this with other people, this is unbelievable. 

I'll also be doing some classic and monster movie reviews.

Enjoy the reviews my fellow gore-hounds.