Nadia's Necronomicon: The big one, the one Jeremy Johnson has waited a year for....ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE!!

Who knew that Satan threw spongey looking one- eyed puppets that try to strangle you, Jon Mikl Thor obviously didn't.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare was just that an absolutely nightmare, but not the scary wake up in cold sweats kind of nightmare, more the sort of nightmare that mostly included fore longing shots of sped-up trees in the wind and clouds with the kind of cheesy "oh that's got to be atmospheric" synthesised music that only the 80s could have produced, was I fearful of what was to happen? No I really fucking wasn't, just irritated to hell by the sterotypical typical "ahhhh"s that are meant to conjure up dread.

The beginning was only the start of such hilarity, with a darling family breakfast interrupted by the evil spirits (I was aware that it was going to be the evil spirits from the trippy "whoahhhhhh" zooming and distorting of the camera towards the house and then back again (whose god damn evil spirits seem to tamper with the camera equipment a lot through out this film) with 80s cop husband trimming his muttonchops in the bathroom what else is there for you to do has a bored housewife than let them suck you into the oven.

So we learn that you shouldn't climb into ovens, 10yrs later we have Thor and his band turn up with their girlfriends to occupy this evil death trap that slain the family and so rudely got in the way of their breakfast routine!!! If you didn't know it already then the evil affect is cemented with yet more trippy camera distortions and oh god help us atmospheric trees crashing in the wind ( I wish I could have got hold of the one shot of a tree blowing in the wind, but it was sped-up to such a degree that it turned into TECHNO TREE the most powerful of all seizure inducing forces of nature). Rock 'n' Roll nightmare couldn't really decide where it was a horror film or just a 80s (everything about this film is SO fucking 80s) soft-core porno about a few band members banging their girl-friends in dodgy house.

They also could decide on what nationality the drummer was and neither can anyone else for that matter, his accent was horrible to say the least, I was thinking to myself wtf is that guy saying? Is he supposed to be British? Does the a bear shit in the woods? Is the pope a catholic? all those quite relevant questions!

"Friggin' A!!!" - Stig, was he British? was he Australian? Was he Eastern European? We'll never know.

The only thing that I could be sure of was once he got possessed by an evil demonic monster he started speaking in a normally, his skills in bed suddenly got a whole lot better and his drumming skills went through the roof, maybe evil does pay off after all. His girlfriend was a complete bitch haha she just didn't stop moaning, I think when they cast this woman they just picked the most sour faced with a grating voice lady they could find.

The rest of the band members were not as entertaining, there was Thor and his girl who eventually after many many hints actually have sex, although it takes for her to just stand there naked for him to finally get the just of this, (she'd been making hints all through the movie, what are you stupid?!) we're then treated to what seems like a lifetime of sex scene in what appears to be the shittiest shower ever, instead of a raging warm fountain of water to soak them, there's a dribble that so weak it doesn't even lather up the soap when she's rubbing it over herself. This just goes on for ages..

There's the married couple who're just bonking like rabbits now because wow they've just been married! They are so boring, exactly what a average pair of newly weds would be like, where's the rock 'n' roll in that. We then have a minor couple, the band's bassist and keyboardist who for the best part of the start of the film just give each other the "I totally want to rock you like a hurricane" look, then when she takes her opportunity to pounce (ideally when he's not falling asleep while she rambles on about her childhood and such rubbish) we're treated to yet another soft-core porn bonanza and we also learn that everyone is completely silent when having sex well apart from when Stig gets his awesome Sting style sex powers after getting possessed. This also takes a decade of carefully grafted shots of gentile nudity and positions.

Enough with this rubbish! The only rock 'n' roll we're treated too is two songs that okay I'll have to admit were quite catchy - Energy (Look at Stig go!)

And the nightmare aspect was provided by some of the funniest puppet creatures I have ever witnessed, I found monster cam brilliant it was exactly like the white house dog cam, just bumping and jiving through the household, that's how you knew they were spying on the band members getting ready to take them, and the death scenes were so bad that they were gold. Among the strange deaths, was Stig killing his whiny girlfriend with a super hand bursting from his chest and savaging her, then you had the quick snatching of the wife of the married couple, talk about cock blocking, just as they were going to get down and dirty well doing the dishes a monstrous green hand snatched her away, just a like a Shepard's crook takes away a really rubbish actor (same shit really)

Then the keyboardist and bassist go running after a make believe boy (a reincarnation of the son from the family at the beginning) he turns into a monster and savages them (a hell of a lot of savaging goes on in this movie, come on it was the 80s, what women didn't like to get ravaged). Stig's death was probably the best, he gets accosted by a sexy blonde temptress (as the credits describe this role, although nothing can be as bad as the actress credited as "fisted woman" in the old classic "Zombie Christ".... but that's a whole another review guys ;] ) he grabs her boobs then she transforms into a hideous demon and bites off his shoulder, how's about that for PMS.

Oh my fucking god, it's Dan Haggerty

Satan's minions appeared to be playdough throwing stars with one eye, you'll see what I mean...but they start off in life as puppets each with a personality, they wear various hats and shit of course. Just wait till you see Satan, he's not much better than these poor excuses for bad-ass muppets, the ending I can't even describe in words..seriously, I will admit that I was crying laughing, it did really tickle me how incredibly fucking awful this is, it just reminds me of a terrible 80s montage that I saw for the beginning of an action film entitled Deadly Prey. This last battle for good over evil starts with Thor just jumping up and more or lessing saying "Hahaha I fooled you, it was all a trick, I made it up, now we'll have an epic battle!" to which I reply "what?! you're telling me that Stig wasn't real? You bastard!" Before we do this...

Honourable mentions go towards their manager, indeed the poor man's Rick Moranis and those groupies who weren't used to their full potential at all and were kind of pointless, probably daughters of who ever was working on the set, "yeah honey, sure you can be an extra in what is going to be the greatest 80s movie of all time"

Then they fight/hilarity ensues: