Elves

 

"It's a fucking ninja troll" 

Elves or to be more exact one elf (and trust me you wouldn't want any-more than one) is like Will Farrell's nightmare. If there was something that you definitely wanted for Christmas given the choice of anything in the world, it would not be to have freaky kinky elf sex to create a super Aryan race right?! Try telling that to your incestuous wheelchair bound Neo-Nazi  grandfather/ FATHER?! (more on that later)  when he sets you up for that little gig next year.

So here we have it Kirsten and the two bimbos whinging and complaining about the over commercialisation of Christmas........

But obviously that doesn't stop them from buying hot red x-mas bras to get laid

So they decide that to banish this co-operate demon they have to become blood sisters in the forbidden forest and pray to a goddess with "art deco" breasts (yes "art deco" breasts!)   but isn't that how everyone solves their problems be it disapproving of co-operate greed or not.  After a spooky wind and the dramatic breaking of the candle we make the instant realisation that Lord of The Rings lied to us, those ugly evil goblin type creatures aren't made in the bowls of disgust and evil, but actually born from the bloody of a moody teenage trallop, using the term teenage very loosely because the actress must be about 35. "Right yeah smash the system, we hate Christmas and voodoo will help us" but "Oh no mustn't disobey parents better get back home quick"  I loved the fact that grumpy teen's blood made the earth bubble and one Elf of terrible special effects to arise from it, seriously the way the Elf moved around and looked was like if E.T. had an evil retarded in-breed twin brother.  

Before the Elf starts running around causing mayhem, we get to meet Kirsten's dysfunctional family whose major dysfunctional flaws are centre to the flimsy plot-line. 

Kirsten: (after catching her brother spying on her) "I'm your fucking sister"
Willy: "Yeah, you've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them"
Incest runs deep within.. so you wouldn't believe how far from normal this family actually is, because I can't wait any longer in getting this "What the absolute fuck?" concept out there. Kirsten does actually find out towards the end of this beautiful Christmas parade that the senile grouchy old bastard in the wheelchair is her father, what easily could have been the best piece of soap acting dialogue ever:

Kirsten's Mother: Your father's in the study.
Kirsten: What? No. Grandfather's in the study. Dad is dead.
Kirsten's Mother: Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father!
Yes he planted his sweet German love seed into her mother, who wouldn't Deanna Lund is pretty hot! The father's explanation to Kirsten is that he did this in order to be able to create a prime specimen especially to have Crimbo loving with a genetically modified Nazi Elf but it's alright because his daughter in his own words was drugged and unconscious, that makes everything hunky dory then doesn't, "I'm sorry officer but I made sure she was sufficiently drugged before I did the deed"  "Oh well that's absolutely fine then son, so long as she didn't notice a thing"

Prior to this shocking revelation, Kirsten and dumb and dumber carried out their ultimate act of teenage rebellion for the holiday season, yep you guessed it, goofing on Santa, he fulfils all the criteria of being a shopping mall Santa, cocaine habit and perverse attitude "Santa says oral" Kirsten isn't that desperate for it to snow!! Hilarity ensues ho ho ho, she and oh so sexy Santa get into a shit load of trouble. A close encounter with a moody bitch and a pissed off store manager is just to much for this Santa and he heads to his secret Santa lair to do some hefty lines of the snowy stuff.

"Doctor Bob says: Don't do drugs kids!"

     
The demise of our lovable Santa Claus paves the way for Dan "I'm going to smoke my way through the whole movie whether you fucking like it or not" Haggerty as our down on his luck hero Santa, I'm sure I'd have needed all those cigarettes too if I'd have lowered myself to starring in this piece of crap, hell I'd be snorting the coke too.
Since there's been a horrible murder/death here then what better place to party!!!
So Kirsten and the two non-blondes get all dolled-up into their best whore gear to seduce Dave and his cronies, unbeknown to Kirsten while she's having all this teenage fun and frolics there are Nazi's after her, of course we didn't forget that she has to make love to E.T.'s fucked up twin to produce the Nazi super race, HELL YEAH!!  with much regret Brunette A and B die one is shot and the other mauled by the son of a bitch elf.  Cigarette Santa manages to pull his gun out and saves Kirsten from both elf and crazy Nazis, "Thanks a bunch Santa"    

"I don't want any fucking Nicorette patches"    

                                                                                                                               

Kirsten begins to learn the awful truth about her destiny (no wonder she hated Christmas that much) I have to be honest that I got so bored of this that I just wasn't paying any attention by the end.

So here is my brief summary of it:

1. Strange rule 34 type attempted rape scene

2. Oscar winning death - Electric Bathtub

3. Dan Haggerty keeps on smoking

.4. Elf dies and there's a happy ever after ending      

This movie taught me one thing though, how not to dispose of your cat at 1:22 -