Double or triple feature choosen by you.

My next reviews will have been chosen by my lovely readers on the DP forum :)  I needed help to make a damn decision. It could end up a whole number of things, there's the killer bunny choice, feeders, howling has been suggested. I'm sure I put Maniac cop on the list too.

I'll have to check the poll tomorrow morning and see what has been chosen for me, but I have a sneaky suspicion, ooooo spoiler!!   

      That it's going to be: 

 

 

 

The big one, the one Jeremy Johnson has waited a year for....ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE!!

 

Who knew that Satan threw spongey looking one- eyed puppets that try to strangle you,  Jon Mikl Thor obviously didn't.   

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare was just that an absolutely nightmare, but not the scary wake up in cold sweats kind of nightmare, more the sort of nightmare that mostly included fore longing shots of sped-up trees in the wind and clouds with the kind of cheesy "oh that's got to be atmospheric" synthesised music that only the 80s could have produced, was I fearful of what was to happen?  No I really fucking wasn't, just irritated to hell by the sterotypical typical "ahhhh"s that are meant to conjure up dread. 

The beginning was only the start of such hilarity, with a darling family breakfast interrupted by the evil spirits (I was aware that it was going to be the evil spirits from the trippy "whoahhhhhh" zooming and distorting of the camera towards the house and then back again (whose god damn evil spirits seem to tamper with the camera equipment a lot through out this film) with 80s cop husband trimming his muttonchops in the bathroom what else is there for you to do has a bored housewife than let them suck you into the oven. 

  

So we learn that you shouldn't climb into ovens, 10yrs later we have Thor and his band turn up with their girlfriends to occupy this evil death trap that slain the family and so rudely got in the way of their breakfast routine!!! If you didn't know it already then the evil affect is cemented with yet more trippy camera distortions and oh god help us atmospheric trees crashing in the wind ( I wish I could have got hold of the one shot of a tree blowing in the wind, but it was sped-up to such a degree that it turned into TECHNO TREE the most powerful of all seizure inducing forces of nature).  Rock 'n' Roll nightmare couldn't really decide where it was a horror film or just a 80s (everything about this film is SO fucking 80s) soft-core porno about a few band members banging their girl-friends in dodgy house. 

They also could decide on what nationality the drummer was and neither can anyone else for that matter, his accent was horrible to say the least, I was thinking to myself wtf is that guy saying? Is he supposed to be British? Does the a bear shit in the woods? Is the pope a catholic? all those quite relevant questions!

 "Friggin' A!!!"  - Stig, was he British? was he Australian? Was he Eastern European? We'll never know. 

   
The only thing that I could be sure of was once he got possessed by an evil demonic monster he started speaking in a normally, his skills in bed suddenly got a whole lot better and his drumming skills went through the roof, maybe evil does pay off after all.  His girlfriend was a complete bitch haha she just didn't stop moaning, I think when they cast this woman they just picked the most sour faced with a grating voice lady they could find.

The rest of the band members were not as entertaining, there was Thor and his girl who eventually after many many hints actually have sex, although it takes for her to just stand there naked for him to finally get the just of this, (she'd been making hints all through the movie, what are you stupid?!)  we're then treated to what seems like a lifetime of sex scene in what appears to be the shittiest shower ever, instead of a raging warm fountain of water to soak them, there's a dribble that so weak it doesn't even lather up the soap when she's rubbing it over herself. This just goes on for ages.. 

There's the married couple who're just bonking like rabbits now because wow they've just been married! They are so boring, exactly what a average pair of newly weds would be like, where's the rock 'n' roll in that. We then have a minor couple, the band's bassist and keyboardist who for the best part of the start of the film just give each other the "I totally want to rock you like a hurricane" look, then when she takes her opportunity to pounce (ideally when he's not falling asleep while she rambles on about her childhood and such rubbish) we're treated to yet another soft-core porn bonanza and we also learn that everyone is completely silent when having sex well apart from when Stig gets his awesome Sting style sex powers after getting possessed. This also takes a decade of carefully grafted shots of gentile nudity and positions. 

Enough with this rubbish! The only rock 'n' roll we're treated too is two songs that okay I'll have to admit were quite catchy - Energy (Look at Stig go!)      

And the nightmare aspect was provided by some of the funniest puppet creatures I have ever witnessed, I found monster cam brilliant it was exactly like the white house dog cam, just bumping and jiving through the household, that's how you knew they were spying on the band members getting ready to take them, and the death scenes were so bad that they were gold. Among the strange deaths, was Stig killing his whiny girlfriend with a super hand bursting from his chest and savaging her, then you had the quick snatching of the wife of the married couple, talk about cock blocking, just as they were going to get down and dirty well doing the dishes a monstrous green hand snatched her away, just a like a Shepard's crook takes away a really rubbish actor (same shit really)  

Then the keyboardist and bassist go running after a make believe boy (a reincarnation of the son from the family at the beginning)  he turns into a monster and savages them (a hell of a lot of savaging goes on in this movie, come on it was the 80s, what women didn't like to get ravaged). Stig's death was probably the best, he gets accosted by a sexy blonde temptress (as the credits describe this role, although nothing can be as bad as the actress credited as "fisted woman" in the old classic "Zombie Christ".... but that's a whole another review guys ;] )  he grabs her boobs then she transforms into a hideous demon and bites off his shoulder, how's about that for PMS. 

Oh my fucking god, it's Dan Haggerty 

 

Satan's minions appeared to be playdough throwing stars with one eye, you'll see what I mean...but they start off in life as puppets each with a personality, they wear various hats and shit of course. Just wait till you see Satan, he's not much better than these poor excuses for bad-ass muppets, the ending I can't even describe in words..seriously, I will admit that I was crying laughing, it did really tickle me how incredibly fucking awful this is, it just reminds me of a terrible 80s montage that I saw for the beginning of an action film entitled Deadly Prey.  This last battle for good over evil starts with Thor just jumping up and more or lessing saying "Hahaha I fooled you, it was all a trick, I made it up, now we'll have an epic battle!" to which I reply "what?! you're telling me that Stig wasn't real? You bastard!" Before we do this...

Honourable mentions go towards their manager, indeed the poor man's Rick Moranis and those groupies who weren't used to their full potential at all and were kind of pointless, probably daughters of who ever was working on the set, "yeah honey, sure you can be an extra in what is going to be the greatest 80s movie of all time"   

Then they fight/hilarity ensues:

Satan: He'll fuck your shit up

Until you strangle him!

 For your viewing pleasure, I've most kindly found an extended version of this most immense battle: 

 

   

Elves

 

"It's a fucking ninja troll" 

Elves or to be more exact one elf (and trust me you wouldn't want any-more than one) is like Will Farrell's nightmare. If there was something that you definitely wanted for Christmas given the choice of anything in the world, it would not be to have freaky kinky elf sex to create a super Aryan race right?! Try telling that to your incestuous wheelchair bound Neo-Nazi  grandfather/ FATHER?! (more on that later)  when he sets you up for that little gig next year.

So here we have it Kirsten and the two bimbos whinging and complaining about the over commercialisation of Christmas........

But obviously that doesn't stop them from buying hot red x-mas bras to get laid

So they decide that to banish this co-operate demon they have to become blood sisters in the forbidden forest and pray to a goddess with "art deco" breasts (yes "art deco" breasts!)   but isn't that how everyone solves their problems be it disapproving of co-operate greed or not.  After a spooky wind and the dramatic breaking of the candle we make the instant realisation that Lord of The Rings lied to us, those ugly evil goblin type creatures aren't made in the bowls of disgust and evil, but actually born from the bloody of a moody teenage trallop, using the term teenage very loosely because the actress must be about 35. "Right yeah smash the system, we hate Christmas and voodoo will help us" but "Oh no mustn't disobey parents better get back home quick"  I loved the fact that grumpy teen's blood made the earth bubble and one Elf of terrible special effects to arise from it, seriously the way the Elf moved around and looked was like if E.T. had an evil retarded in-breed twin brother.  

Before the Elf starts running around causing mayhem, we get to meet Kirsten's dysfunctional family whose major dysfunctional flaws are centre to the flimsy plot-line. 

Kirsten: (after catching her brother spying on her) "I'm your fucking sister"
Willy: "Yeah, you've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them"
Incest runs deep within.. so you wouldn't believe how far from normal this family actually is, because I can't wait any longer in getting this "What the absolute fuck?" concept out there. Kirsten does actually find out towards the end of this beautiful Christmas parade that the senile grouchy old bastard in the wheelchair is her father, what easily could have been the best piece of soap acting dialogue ever:

Kirsten's Mother: Your father's in the study.
Kirsten: What? No. Grandfather's in the study. Dad is dead.
Kirsten's Mother: Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father!
Yes he planted his sweet German love seed into her mother, who wouldn't Deanna Lund is pretty hot! The father's explanation to Kirsten is that he did this in order to be able to create a prime specimen especially to have Crimbo loving with a genetically modified Nazi Elf but it's alright because his daughter in his own words was drugged and unconscious, that makes everything hunky dory then doesn't, "I'm sorry officer but I made sure she was sufficiently drugged before I did the deed"  "Oh well that's absolutely fine then son, so long as she didn't notice a thing"

Prior to this shocking revelation, Kirsten and dumb and dumber carried out their ultimate act of teenage rebellion for the holiday season, yep you guessed it, goofing on Santa, he fulfils all the criteria of being a shopping mall Santa, cocaine habit and perverse attitude "Santa says oral" Kirsten isn't that desperate for it to snow!! Hilarity ensues ho ho ho, she and oh so sexy Santa get into a shit load of trouble. A close encounter with a moody bitch and a pissed off store manager is just to much for this Santa and he heads to his secret Santa lair to do some hefty lines of the snowy stuff.

"Doctor Bob says: Don't do drugs kids!"

     
The demise of our lovable Santa Claus paves the way for Dan "I'm going to smoke my way through the whole movie whether you fucking like it or not" Haggerty as our down on his luck hero Santa, I'm sure I'd have needed all those cigarettes too if I'd have lowered myself to starring in this piece of crap, hell I'd be snorting the coke too.
Since there's been a horrible murder/death here then what better place to party!!!
So Kirsten and the two non-blondes get all dolled-up into their best whore gear to seduce Dave and his cronies, unbeknown to Kirsten while she's having all this teenage fun and frolics there are Nazi's after her, of course we didn't forget that she has to make love to E.T.'s fucked up twin to produce the Nazi super race, HELL YEAH!!  with much regret Brunette A and B die one is shot and the other mauled by the son of a bitch elf.  Cigarette Santa manages to pull his gun out and saves Kirsten from both elf and crazy Nazis, "Thanks a bunch Santa"    

"I don't want any fucking Nicorette patches"    

                                                                                                                               

Kirsten begins to learn the awful truth about her destiny (no wonder she hated Christmas that much) I have to be honest that I got so bored of this that I just wasn't paying any attention by the end.

So here is my brief summary of it:

1. Strange rule 34 type attempted rape scene

2. Oscar winning death - Electric Bathtub

3. Dan Haggerty keeps on smoking

.4. Elf dies and there's a happy ever after ending      

This movie taught me one thing though, how not to dispose of your cat at 1:22 -