Spookies.

"No mother! WTF! I asked for Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box!"

Spookies was the end result to my birthday eve horror madness decision, although I got two bad movies for the horror of one! This background to the movie is far more interesting then the movie itself and you find that once you know, you can torture yourself again just to exclaim "Yes!.....yes! I see it now!"

One thing I have to give this movie absolute kudos for is all the special effects and monsters, it's quite an array and mish-mash of different things including a fantastic scene where a strange Asian woman turns into a spider, I just love the way he deflates like a used blow-up sex doll after orgasm LOL -

Twisted Souls is how Spookies began life, but the original director got his ass fired and the whole idea was stacked by on the shelf, however never fear a new director is here to carry on this weird and wonderful haunted house delight, Twisted Souls is a bunch of stereotypical 80s teenagers who are really 25 knocking on 30 on their way to another party since the dreadful Italian tough-guy teen got them kicked out of the first one (damn his rebellious I don't give a crap attitude) oh and not to mention an out of place much older guy who seems to be dating one of the teens now he really spoils the party with all his sensible suggestions, who needs shit like that! The chain-smoking posh British teenager and her doormat boyfriend only amused me for the fact that they reminded me of close friends of mine, I think they would have acted in exactly the same way.

My favourite characters of all had to be these guys -

Duke and Mook the greatest comic relief of all time.

One single guy with just his hand for company literally, his best buddy and hand puppet Mook although that son of a bitch wasn't of much use when the crazy Asian mutant spider lady showed up.

The new director now added the "Spookies bits" to all of this  which includes a extremely odd plot between a satanic wizard and his un-dead bride, who because he has a face only a mother could love has been poisoning herself to get away from him and every-time that bastard has brought her back, evil wizard sir, she hates your guts, just get over it, I'm sure there are plenty of hookers you could pay, why all the bother?! And some kind of back-wards were-cat like creature that also serves no purpose other then being the wizards pet and burying poor poor birthday Billy.

You can easily tell watching the movie back that it answers all your questions as to why the teenagers never came across or interacted with the evil wizard and his were-cat bitch, despite them trying to trick you with clipping to a scene of the wizard saying "welcome fools!!" from a scene of the teenagers arriving.

I discovered the birthday link and why this movie was on a birthday themed list, it's completely irrelevant to the whole movie and serves no purpose what so ever but we meet the world's dullest and saddest 13yr old boy at the start of the film, it's his 13th birthday that day and he's pissed off that his parents forgot about it! (quick somebody call social services on these fucking monsters)

"Holy shit mister that's one big birthday popsicle you want me to retrieve from your trousers"

So naturally as most disgruntled youngsters do, he's run away from home and is lurking about in the dark talking to strangers (that'll teach those bastards for forgetting my birthday) some random drifter asks him for light to which he gives him one and tells his story and that he has "big plans".
 After this encounter Billy enters the haunted house, to which he finds a birthday party set-up, naturally he assumes mom and dad have laid out some kind of surprise party, boy oh boy was that little shit wrong, there are balloons, a cake and presents, now if the candles just suddenly lit-up on a birthday cake I would be a bit suspicious and extremely suspicious when all the toys in the room came to light including a rather creepy robot but no not Billy he goes on to sniff his birthday presents (yes instead of shaking them like any normal young boy would he smells them!?!)
 He's sorely disappointed when he finds the evil wizard's head where his present should be, and runs away screaming while all of this was going on Billy was being stalked by our were-cat friend who appears to have a hook for a hand, the were-cat takes chase, this tense and nail-biting affair ends up with our poor Billy ending up falling into a grave and being buried alive = WORST BIRTHDAY EVER. This wins the award for the most irrelevant character and scene in a movie, it has absolutely nothing to do with either story-wise, just tacked in my the new director ha ha.

I had a better birthday -

Some of the best creatures of this movie included, the grim reaper a very under used monster in the way of horror films, the farting muck monsters of the basement (yeah seriously, every movement they took resulted in an hilarious farting noise) these beauties had such a Goosebumps feel to them also, creepy little almost merman lizardy creature from the blacklagoon type thing, electricity monster that melted its victims away when it shocked them, and hordes and hordes of zombies. The monsters varied in hilarity depending on whether they were new or old director creations, you had good special effects and then suddenly bad special effects, really well done zombies/Halloween down the local bar zombies!

I implore everybody to watch this movie, it is an 80s trash classic. I wish there had been more footage from the movie available, because some of the scenes with the different creatures are great, the evil wizard also sounded like a disgruntled Russian talking into a glass or a cup this amused me highly.

 

 

Killer awful bunny double: Kottentail

Hans Kottentail is a lets face-it, a slightly probably more then likely autistic German man who looks more like a demented hill billy. He's slow, awkward and damn right ugly, you'd think oh come on life has treated him unfairly enough. Until he meets a fluffy stuffed animal that changes him completely and ruins my life entirely, this is my absolutely shit review for an absolutely shit movie.

Toy bunnies: Extremely fucking dangerous apparently, it escapes bites him, turns him into a god awful Werebunny and then this happens:

 
Oh yeah sonority house bunnies to the rescue to seduce that evil lop-earred fucker into a trap and death by shotgun. 

  

That's it to it seriously, it doesn't get much more enthralling then that ladies and gentlemen. We do get to see how easily Security guards are bypassed though, you offer him a cup of tea, then a doughnut, if you so fancy expose your breasts right next to the tea and doughnuts, it's then advised that you bang him (don't come a knockin' if the security car is a rockin') whilst your best friend then sneaks in to free aforementioned toy bunny.   

If you want to keep your sanity and enthusiasm for hokey horror I recommend that you don't even toy with the idea of seeing this, it did really break my spirit as you can tell by this review of it, I just couldn't be arsed as much as the producer of this tripe couldn't be arsed making a decent horror. SHAME ON BOTH OF US.

Killer awful bunny double: Bunnyman and Kottentail.

I kid you not, this was the opening title. MS paint is still considered a very valuable tool.

The beginning of this Oscar winning gem didn't make any fucking sense at all until you saw the rather strange home videos that ran along side the ending credits, to which you thought oh right okay then, what?!.  You get to see a rather grainy series of home video footage which proceeds to be shot by a cameraman suffering from an extremely bad case of Parkinson's, it's enough to induce a seizure (and you thought I'd had enough after the epileptic trees of r 'n' r nightmare!! think again!)  The music to go with this rather odd piece of footage (which was to me very Texas Chainsaw Massacre especially the old run down house that the girl being chased is shown to run out of) was  that of an old Victorian nightmare, the kind of music that would be coming from those creepy ass jewellery boxes with the ballerina that pops up.

After a while of just watching this girl running around with no sound what so ever by this point (the lack of sound took up most of the start of this crapfest and boy do I wish that had continued) I can imagine their budget was so low that they just had it done in the places where it seemed to matter a bit more (well actually no it didn't, I could have happily watched it with neither sound or image for that) once the girl is caught up with you get a quick glimpse of her assailant, but who the fuck is this old Mexican looking guy whose not in a bunnysuit? Maybe he puts it on later? then you get one of the worst acted and funniest knife kills and death I've seen to date (wish I could find a video of this scene)  where old Mexican dude stabs  the "terrified" woman in the mouth, she doesn't seem at all surprised by this more a fairly disgruntled look on her eyes and a rather delayed slump to the floor, where she dribbles a little bit of blood and keeps BREATHING OBVIOUSLY when she's supposed to be dead.  The home video footage cuts out rather suddenly and that rather professionally done title pops up onto the screen in a professionally done PowerPoint manner. 

Cut to the broad in the refrigerator, a great place to hide from a giant bunny!! She gets out of the fridge, has a jog away from that and proceeds to hide in a truck, there you see him, nonchalantly walking slowly towards the truck where she is like a bloke in a bunny-suit is hunting down young girls everyday like it's pure normality. But still you have this trend of absolutely in background noise, you don't hear anything, no footsteps, no screaming, no breathing even. But all that was going through my mind was, who the fuck was that dude at the beginning, that can't be him in that bunny-suit, it doesn't look right, they took continuity and flung it straight out of the fucking window  "Bye!!!"  the big old bunny captures this mysterious girl and chucks her in the back of his big old truck.   

Now we suddenly enter the longest driving scene in history, I could have been watching fucking Top Gear for all I knew, *Road, now back to car, road, now back to car, road, now back to car, road,now back to car* I was beginning to think that I wasn't watching a film at all but in fact was playing a first person driving game on the X-box where there was a glaring error with the camera toggle. Now clip to the group of bad actors that I don't give a shit about, there's just a shot of them all looking constipated to my guess, obviously not many toilet breaks on this little trip! ( The one thing that was just never explained and usually is in some form or another with these road trip horror themed movies, is where the Jesus were they going? Why were they travelling through this waste land? were they travelling home from college?going to a relatives house? holiday?)  they probably hadn't travelled this section of road before because they seem to just get lost when the boogie bunny cometh.

Bunnimobile........

I said it was still a valuable tool

   Now start to imagine the beginning of Jeepers Creepers but if it was absolutely shut and with no real chilling atmosphere and just a load of people pulling faces in a car while a truck bumps them now and again, while low and behold we're back to playing the car game, like you're taking over the computer engine's car *the front of your truck, back to back of their car, front of truck, back of car, front of truck, back of car* just piss off with that already would you?!  I found the character's reactions hilarious they all just looked like someone had taken a large stinking dump on their cereal and not like a crazed maniac in a truck was indeed trying to ram them off the road.

Once the car chase is over, the bad actors park up to contemplate their situation to which the big old bunny turns up and parks right behind them, no they all think they've pissed him off somehow and got to make their grovelling apology now all sensible logic has gone out the window here (they could just drove the fuck off and gone like the wind out of there) they nominate the cute redhead, I mean why not, he might accept their apology more, hilarity ensues, and why does she seem to be doing the "I'm going to piss my pants dance" like she's busting to go?  I mentioned before no toilet breaks obviously -

 

I'm pretty sure fridge girl is still in the back of the truck when little redhead is over there, but I'm not entirely sure whether redhead catches a glimpse of fridge girl or if fridge girl is indeed dealt with before this (as you can tell I'm not 100% on the ball with some of these films) anyway the group of bad actors decide to wait it out,  what do they mean wait it out? Two things could have happened here, they could have escaped or big bunny could have just gone over to the car killed them all and saved me about 40 mins of my life. But nooo, after about a lifetime, the bunnimobile drives away leaving the group there. They all decide that, oh that was a bit weird, stupid country inbred hicks, lets just carry on driving.

Oh if you were wondering fridge girl got chained up and decapitated in one of the worst special effects scenes.  

"That's what you get for stealing Easter Eggs bitch!!!!"

I did love how the bunnyman just doesn't speak and he growls all the way through the movie like an angry dog or teenage boy "grrrrrrrrr"  sadly for me there is some audio now in the form of whiny bad actors dialogue and the growling of the bunny, oh the growling!!  Our bunch of bad actors now find themselves being targeted again by bunny boy, he bumps them gently and they pull faces about it all. He evenly rams them into a corner, again the waiting game happens, fuck me, I'm falling asleep while writing about this scene which was enough to put someone in a coma "zzzzzzz" and again the bunnyman just drives away, I know that the sleepy (he seems to be asleep in the car for most of the start) bad actor gets killed at this point, he's squashed into a lovely mess under the car when they get rammed hard up the ass, rampant rabbit style. Nobody really seems that bothered though and they decided to well just walk the rest of the way, to where ever the flying fuck they were going in the first place. 

So they walk for ages, long hard walking scenes, more whinging and whining and bad acting, they're sleeping friend has died and they are lost. They then come across a path that could lead them to somewhere to get help or use a phone! But obviously, it wasn't going to be that simple, oh course there would be bags of bones hanging up in the trees with upside down crosses littering the way???  But they press on and come to this perverted old hick's log cabin, here we have a rather annoying exchange of conversation where he makes odd noises/licks his lips at the girls and says they can use his phone if he gets the slutty looking blonde and they get whiny yet again about wanting to use his phone, he pulls his gun on them (nope the one you shoot with, breathe a sigh of relief now)  and they decide he's a stupid crazy hick and leave back the way they came. Without any explanations for the bags of bones or the upside down crosses....that's actually never explained to the audience either, guess that hick might just have them as both Halloween and Christmas deco! 

Big old bunny strikes again!! This time he's peeling brains from a freshly caved in skull, whilst the one girl just watches like it's an everyday occurrence (obviously that's something you see everyday!) "run away!!"  whilst they make their get away, they end up trekking down the long road at night and they bump into strange crazy bloke and sexy but deadly brunette waiting it out in a broken down car, now you think where did they come from? How ever our gang of bad actors, ask them for help, have a bit of an argument with sexy brunette and are told to wait it out by the "Old abandoned cabin" "Oh yeah lets go there" who do they think they are Scooby Doo and the gang, "Oh the bunnyman happens to be old Mr.Jones"  "Could have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling bad actors"   

Once at the abandoned wooden cabin, the fun starts to begin!!! Murder and bunny mayhem. 

So you thought this bunny was evil and creepy.....

Guess again!!!!!

I'll now treat you to a list of my highlights of the final relieving last soul sucking moments: 

1) What do you do when a Bunnyman run at you with a knife, why yes you get a mattress from the side, use it as a shield, catch the knife in it, twist and flick!! Yes exactly. 

2) What happens when a Bunnyman with a chainsaw is running after you?  Obviously you climb up the nearest tree!!! Despite the fact he has a chainsaw ans could easily saw it down!! Oh no that's no worry to you at all.  

3) Most surreal rape scene ever- Growling dog gimp man chained up on a lead in the bunnyman's cabin anally violates you 

4) Who'd have though it! Bunnyman is a mutant backwoods hill billy inbred!!! 

5)  The last scene is so terrible that you keep thinking that Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out from behind a door and tell everyone they've just been punked. 

6) I agree with the bad actors final sentiments "We're going to need a lot of therapy after this"  you and me both sweetheart, you and me both.   

Once the credits roll you eventually find out what all the strange video footage was about, and you think why didn't you just explain this in the opening credits?!!  Akin to both TCM and House Of 1000 Corpses, they're a murderous backwoods hill billy family who enjoy killing people so you get to see a numerous pile of odd yet strangely moving home footage like the start of the film of how the bunnyman was educated in killing from an early age, and that the sexy brunette along with the random dude she was with are his brother and his sister, the odd gimp growling dog dude, I have no idea and by then didn't care.  

This is how the film should have been like: 

  Watch this space for the up and coming Kottentail review, I did them separate because no one wants to read about that much bunny crap in one sitting, enjoy!!!!

 

A Quick Insight.

Just felt like sharing a brief preview of what goes through my mind when watching a terrible movie. Crazy ramblings and pictures, not much difference when transferred to digital form.   

Kottentail Trailer

Having watched Bunnyman tonight, I won't spoil anything though and will start my delightful review tomorrow,
I decided to see what I was letting myself in for here exactly....

So enjoy, I know I will!!!   Ha ha ha.

New Banner :)

I received an enticing email today, it was rather intriguing entitled "Pwesent for you" so wondering what it could be I opened it and...  

I would love to thank Steak Knife Surprise for this amazing new banner, it's definitely a nice change from my (and I kid you not) old MS Paint job that I had before, just whacked it together with a load of images from Google, good old copying and paste into Paint!!  But now I've got a more professionally looking and done title. 

Awesome job dude!  :) 

Double or triple feature choosen by you.

My next reviews will have been chosen by my lovely readers on the DP forum :)  I needed help to make a damn decision. It could end up a whole number of things, there's the killer bunny choice, feeders, howling has been suggested. I'm sure I put Maniac cop on the list too.

I'll have to check the poll tomorrow morning and see what has been chosen for me, but I have a sneaky suspicion, ooooo spoiler!!   

      That it's going to be: