Gloomy Valentine

Gloomy Valentine is a short animation about 5mins long done with stop motion creations, I thought it was a moving little piece and quite enjoyed it, I stumbled upon it whilst looking for my next review muse and decided that I would share it with you, I like quite a lot of short movies, so perhaps in between my reviews for the weirder more wonderful features I could give little reviews on short movies that I find, the streaming site that I watch a lot of my films from seems to have quite the abundance of independent shorts.

Gloomy is a young woman who has been driven mad by the loss of her love and seems warped by her heartache,  we can only assume that she's dealing with the aftermath of a break-up because there is no indication that she lost her boyfriend through death. So we just get to see a sorrowful Gloomy dealing with her feelings about this break-up in her apartment. I really enjoyed it because it's quite relate able, it reminds me of a time when I went through a similar emotional period last year and the gothic "Tim Burtonesque"  feel to the animation is wonderfully haunting, the music is very beautiful too.

There's quite a lovely little scene where she's looking under the bed to find anything that will arouse her feelings of sadness, she chucks the rose that he gave her from underneath there and then she throws out a bottle that I assumed was of vodka and then she finds what she was looking for and that is a picture of them together. 

 

The pictures does just the trick and it stirs up the memories of more happier times and she sees their time together in a stark contrast to the bleak black and white flash back she had earlier whilst laying emotional-less in bed, the colours are far brighter in these scenes, juxtaposed to the gloomy reality that she is facing without him, it then hits her that she is left alone and you slowly watch as the bright memories fade and she starts to cry bringing her back to the dark bedroom.

 

 

The imagery in this short film I find quite pretty and wonderful, I've always been a big fan of stop motion animation and especially when it has this dark feel to it, seems to always work well. The ending of this short is quite surreal but poor Gloomy is eventually consumed by the darkness that she feels from inside her heart as she desperately tries to clutch the last feelings of her love back as it floats away from her.

I highly recommend that you give this little feature a watch - 

I will be reviewing more short movies soon and I'm currently going to start working on my bigger movie review soon, I have found one that has a subject matter that has been quite prevalent recently.  

Dolla Morte

Do you think you could persuade any actor in their right mind to do this?

So you sit down on a Wednesday afternoon and think what's the stupidest most outrageous shit I can watch, well it turns out to be Dolla Morte. The thought only occurred to me after I'd spent the night talking about Bill Zebub movies with my friend Newt, he mentioned about Dolla and said it was pretty funny, probably best watched drunk or stoned but I'll admit that I found it stupidly funny sober, we all know there's no hope for me.

Dolla Morte is kind of like a really warped and surreal sketch show that's very loosely tied together, it reminded me a lot of the randomness of the 'Robot Chicken' sketches but with far more sexual and controversial imagery. As you can tell from the screen captions the whole movie was made with dolls and plenty of other toys are utilised to full effect as well, it does make you question where did they get hold of all that shit? From the way it's done I think they filmed all the footage first and then did improvised voice acting over the top, the George W Bush impersonations are fairly amusing.

The beginning of this "comedy-horror" begins with a scene in which two cops are racing to save the one intrepid cop's wife from a serial killer, you just watch in disbelief as you see the action figures getting swept away down a river in a toy boat as they are arguing about whether or not they should have put the motor on and who's driving the thing, the boat gets stuck on the current, where it's then filmed just going round and round, "We seem to be in a whirlpool going round, we're fucking stuck" "Just have to let nature take its course"  after a few minutes they do start on their merry way down the river, meanwhile....

They'll never get you alive mwahahahaha

There is then a sequence that seems like it takes forever with the serial killer doll torturing and raping his female victim, they even went to the trouble of modifying the dolls so that they are anatomically correct with what looks to be modelling clay, it's like Bill Zebub thought how can I ruin every single person's childhood toys and memories in an hour and 8mins?

RIGHT IN THE CHILDHOOD!

The crack police team eventually get there and deal with the horny serial killer, if I'm honest this doesn't really have much to do with the rest of the movie, it's more like a little sub-plot parody of those kinds of 90s action movies like 'Kiss the Girls'  (is it bad how sexy I find Cary Elwes?)  for example where they are racing to save her at the end, you get to see a little bit more of the rampage the serial killer has been on whilst they hunted him down.

There is this surreal where a "police helicopter"  drops off a GI Joe rip off doll code name 'spanky' who discovers all the women that have been impaled by the plastic Ted Bundy, you get this scene with the tiny rip off GI Joe just staring up at all these Barbies and Brats dolls impaled on sticks.

Mother of god, somebodies younger sister is going to be fucking pissed 

The main story-lines of the movie, yes this does actually have a plot believe it or not, George.W.Bush is on a quest to drink Jesus' blood in order to gain mortality, it turns out this is because Jesus was the first ever vampire to walk this god forsaken planet, the other plot that runs parallel to this blood quest is Adolf Hitler (Captain if the SS Enterprise, most of the footage you see of him is in a modified Star Trek Enterprise toy) Osama Bin Laden (Which is just a Nosferatu doll modified with a beard) and Saddam Hussain are trying to take over the world with even more rip off GI Joes, which I think are called 'The Corps' dolls, I know a toy expert who watched this, he also picked out a Peter Parker doll from one of the later unrelated scenes which just show the doll jumping from a building claiming he can swing to the next one over.


This film is probably one of the hardest I've reviewed just based on the pure and simple fact that it's just such a mish mash of a production and grossly bizarre! The random off-topic scenes that I have spoken about along include a little stint where the prophet Mohammed shows up and offers his services to what appears to be a children's charity to which they reply reply to his request saying that they are a "non-profit" organisation, did you get it?! did that make you laugh?!

My fellow 'Mericians!

The scenes with George.W. Bush plotting against Jesus in order to acquire his blood are pretty funny, whoever is doing the voice impersonation is pretty good plus I always like when political figures are set-up! And this is just outrageous to say the least, as you can see from the top screen shot, Jesus owns up big time, Jesus also manages to defeat the Nazi in the SS Enterprise in a old school dog fight where Jesus flies rings around them on his crucifix, he also uses his crucifix as a pogo stick as an easier means of transport, I was beginning to think that Jesus would have made a fantastic character on the Whacky Races; Christ and his creative Crucifix, he'd exorcise The Gruesome Twosome, make Penelope Pitstop a nun, stop The Anthill Mob in their tracks by creating the image of the Virgin Mary on their car...I think I've digressed here.  

Holy jumping Jeebus Batman!

Jesus also gets attacked by a shark whilst he is demonstrating his almighty power to walk on water, which produces what could be a poignant moment in an 80s music video.

You've got to appreciate the skill involved in those overlapping effects

Osama Bin Laden features heavily in this movie, working out a way of he along with Saddam and Hitler in space can over throw the world, Dubya is too busy Jesus hunting to realise what is coming his way! There's this one sequence that just spun me out, it just shows Bin Laden fingering "corpses"  which are just a bunch of Barbies nailed to crosses naked whilst a heavy metal track rips through, I really wish I could have found a video of the scene, turns out not many people think this is genius enough to share with a wider audience, are you really surprised? I can't believe I'm 1. admitting to having watched this, 2. having found it pretty funny in places and 3. sharing both this information to the world. 

Well hello there, do you come here often? ;)

No, but she's going be coming here now

Osama bin Laden had his fingers in a lot of pies, terrorism, complicated games of hide & seek and Barbie's.

There's not much else that can be said about this film, I've come to the conclusion that Bill Zebub just love to take things that would be considered slightly offensive and make sure that they will differently offend somebody out there, even people like myself who enjoys a lot of dark comedy found myself kinda wincing at some of this movie, it's just so extremely over-the-top. I would highly recommend it if you are a fun of on the edge, low budget fringe cinema, best enjoyed with a couple of drinks and some buddies if you have more sense then me.

Dolla Morte also answers that age old question,  "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

Why yes, yes he does.

If you want to experience this orgasmic action doll mind fuck, here's the link to the film in it's entire gory-

Dolla Morte (Full Movie)


You can also hear me talk about Dolla Morte on the up and coming episode of Asshat.

Bizarre, Sick and Disgusting season: Razorback(1984)

This movie fits squarely into the bizarre category because there's nothing sick or disgusting present here it's just a giant fucking boar in the Aussie outback that will take away and eat your grandson and then it will also take away and eat somebody else's wife ("hide yo kids, hide their wife, because he's eating everybody out there")

Razorback is one of the first movies from Russell Mulcahy who later goes on to direct Highlander. Here you get the giant boar version of a Moby Dick tale with the old hunter Jake Cullen in his quest for revenge and to kill the huge razorback the took his grandson (we later on discover that it also took his daughter) but also made him a laughing stock and under suspicion of the Outback community for the disappearance of his family, because we know nobody in their right mind is going to believe that a huge Razorback boar came plowing through your house. 


Here we have the Australian outback, beautiful, breathtaking, serene and filled with the wonderful bird chorus.

Wouldn't you want to camp out on that landscape?

Gorgeous sunset and meet the local wildlife

Sometimes though all this wonderful peace and being with nature can be destroyed by a really whiny little brat of a child moaning and whining, this problem can then be solved by a bright blue light and a massive Razorback smashing straight through your house -

Two years follow on and Beth Winters a reporter who soon wishes she wasn't against the hunting of game animals is planning to go to the Australian outback to campaign her cause and tell the story of the vicious hunting of animals to be made into food then given to other animals, that is going on. This turns out to be one of the worse decisions in the history of media reporting she has ever made, not quite as bad as her husband's choice of aprons though.

Look closely he's got one sexy ladies body going on

Not long after she arrives her and her cameraman receive quite harsh treatment from the locals, because they are seen as being a threat to their outback way of life, how dare these outsiders come into their turf and tell them what's right and what's wrong. Beth decides she's going to investigate the meat processing plant that the hunted meat has been finding itself at. This where the "steampunk rebels" Benny and Dicko come into it, they both work at the processing plant but they are also pretty deranged and wouldn't have looked out of place in a hill billy family movie.

They would have made excellent Kangaroos in Tank Girl

Beth finds an unfortunate with these two when they discover her snooping around the meat processing plant taking pictures.

Does this put you off meat?

Maybe this does? Those evil butchers!

After taking the much needed damaging footage she wanted of the meat processing plant, to expose those cruel savage bastards and to alert the mass world-wide audience of what was going into their animal food, I think it was dog food. Benny and Dicko catch up with her, essentially kidnap her and then once they got her in the outback, tempted to attack her. But they get interrupted with our good old friend the giant murderous Razorback who had almost been forgotten about at this point. Instead of this being a saviour though it gets much worse for Beth Winters who up until this had thought that all animals were beautiful kind creatures who didn't deserve any harsh treatment, yeah right!

Just gaze upon that beautiful kind merciful and forgiving face before it fucks you

Benny and Dicko those post apocalyptic wannabe pussies leave her to her terrible fate with the Razorback. Beth is now suspected missing so her husband Carl previously seen in rather unforgiving feminine kitchen attire now goes from vanilla house husband to macho man that's going to get his wife back or at the very least find out what happened to her, so he goes off on a one man crusade into the deep unknown.

Upon his investigation Carl initiates himself with the Australian stereotypes that left his wife to the Razorback, upon fear of getting linked to Beth's untimely death, they leave Carl for dead out in the middle of nowhere. This part of the movie provides for a visual feast as Carl hallucinates with exhaustion and fatigued whilst wandering alone out in the rough wilds of the outback. I'm always a fun of dream or delusional sequences in movies, they always provide a chance demonstrate different artistic skills from the director, who had also had quite a prominent career directing music videos for artists such as The Vapours "Turning Japanese", The Buggles "Video Killed The Radio Star", Ultravox "Vienna" and a host of other musicians, just a little bit of trivia for you there.

Carl's Hallucination

     

 

Were you thinking, what I was thinking....?

 

Lucky for Carl he ends up getting rescued by a hot Australian babe who is working on a wildlife tracking project but also  happens to be friends with Jake Cullen the man who was so cruelly wronged by the giant Razorback as well when it tore through his home. You know her home must be cool when she's got a wombat chillin' and killin' on her front poach

A wombat chilling in a hanging chair, what else is there to say, WIN.

 So begins the wild boar chase

COME AT ME BITCHES!!

The show down of Carl and Jake vs Razorback at the end of the film is actually quite a lot of fun, you get some good action shots and in my opinion tense moments, it's a proper 80s action movie/creature feature finale.  I don't want to spoil it too much because I think people should go and watch the movie, it's quite underrated in some cases and I found it more to my liking then a lot of animal attack films I've watched before, I would even go out on a limb here and liken it to the piggy version of Jaws almost.

I will however say that this is one of my favourite action stills from the final "battle" - 

Nekromantik 2

I felt like I wasn't doing the first one any justice at all by not at least watching the second one and giving that the Necronomicon treatment as well. It seems that my streaming site couldn't really care about who gets to see this one I mean if you saw the first one then you know by now what you're letting yourself in for!

Well this movie starts off more or less from where we ended in the first one, Rob is dead and buried 6ft under and we see a shovel stab into the soft soil of his freshly laid grave, we now see that it is a rather attractive woman Monika who we later find out is also a nurse as well as a necrophiliac again a handy profession if you have a love for death. And boy does she seem to appear to be one hell of a grave-robber, she does it in broad daylight all in the time space of one afternoon, she even stops for a cigarette break, because hauling up the dead is bloody hard work, especially when you're trying to be quick not to get caught since it is DAYLIGHT!  I'm not even sure how she managed to get his rotting corpse all the way back to her apartment? Perhaps she had a car, how are we to know!

So you thought you could just come running back now he's dead did you?!

Rob's now ex-girlfriend from the previous film arrives to the decimated grave-site in the hope of claiming Rob's corpse for herself, I'm assuming she fucked the last poor sod into dust literally. Although you do feel kinda sorry for her in this scene, because she just sits for-longingly at the coffin side looking rather sad has we are treated to flash-backs of their antics from the first movie and then she just slinks off looking rather wounded not to be seen for the rest of the film.

However back at Monika's place she's getting straight down to business and there's no messing about with her that's for sure, she shakes his clothes off with such vigour that he's shown to be shaking all over the place on this table that she's set him up on and because that proved too much of a task she goes for the good old scissors to whip off his underwear! The anticipation proved to much!

And the award for the classiest way to take off a corpse's underwear goes too....

Be grateful he's a rotting corpse, you weren't getting lucky enough to have dead and hung like a donkey.

 My corpse penis virginity was broken in all its painful bloody glory and now so is yours, enjoy! Much like the love scene from the first movie we get the naked Monika riding on rotting Rob with all the grace of an Emmanuelle movie, again we experience the similar soundtrack that makes it so masterful and arty, what also makes this weird is how attractive and rather sexy the lead female is, which puts it on whole new levels of wrong here.

Never trust a woman whose décor consists of Death fucking a woman

Poor Rob can't feel much good because she does jump off him towards the end of their session and is immediately throwing up into her toilet, but unlike how he treated his last corpse fuck, she lets his carcass rest in bed for a little while before she starts to take an interest in a living man, doing the opposite to his previous partner who took off with the corpse.

That's when you know you had too much too drink the night before

        Monika also tends to Rob by washing him and decorating around him with flowers......?

Now doesn't that just brighten the place up a lot more, it was beginning to look like a morgue in here!

 Now this living man is called Mark and he crosses paths with Monika whilst waiting for another woman at the movies who appears to have been running late, so instead of waiting for her, he grabs Monika and asks her to come into the movie with him, she accepts and they sit down to watch a really weird little piece of dialogue shoot in black and white between a couple whom are both naked sat at a little breakfast table outside which appears to be covered in boiled eggs in egg cups that they are both slowly making their way through, whilst the naked man rambles on at the naked woman about his love for birds. Sounds like a really lady charming movie huh?!

So begins a blossoming romance of fooling around taking pictures of each other, going to the fair and sharing a first kiss on the Ferris Wheel, looking at all the animals in the zoo, a whole montage of things that any normal couple starting out in their relationship should be doing, not something you'd be able to do with a dead-guy really unless you wanted to develop a highly complex puppetry system and shove a load of those cardboard pine fresh trees in his jacket.

So she comes to a dilemma which man does she really want? Rob or Mark? Dead or Alive?  Which of these photos would make the best Facebook profile picture?

 So she decides Mark, alive and number 2 (seriously because I think number 1 would be hilarious and get far more likes) and breaks up with Rob, in a literal sense to she breaks him up into pieces with her trusty saw and marigold gloves in the bathroom, however she doesn't get rid of it all but keeps his head and penis as tokens of their love and dumps the rest of him in plastic bags back at his grave-site.

There are those certain exes that you wish this was an acceptable way to have split up with them

Mark begins to suspect that something is not completely right with Monika after they first have sex and she suppresses him from moving during it, we also get a very amusing scene where she looks down on him and he slowly turns into the corpse of Rob, which like when in a cartoon a really hungry cat might see a mouse transform into a walking steak, his fears may also be validated when he's making breakfast and discovered Rob's rotting phallus preserved in the fridge amongst the milk.

Monika is unaware of this discovery as she is still in her bed slowly drifting into an odd dream sequence....

A cross between an Enya and a Cannibal Corpse music video

Apparently the melody that she's seductively cooing translates as this:

"You see the delicious skeleton
You realize your deaths desire The hour came to taste you What you did when delirious The world will never know such dark fruits When your corpse descends, to me it is Morbid and voluptuous.
Death alone can present to me Your gifts As for the love, The destroyed skin, the rotted breath Make happiness From my days Of my days Taken giddiness, I see your flesh as it putrifiés when the night comes, it is your kingdom And you deaden me, the key of the moon"

Things from then on start to go down hill with Mark as he begins to get more worried about her sexual tastes and perversions, especially when he realises that she'd had all the girls around to watch a baby seal being dissected for entertainment as you do, I always have all my gal pals around to watch a bit of animal butchering, nothing like a baby seal getting skinned who needs X-Factor!

They decide to get back together after falling out over the seal tape, and much like the first movie I'll say nothing about the ending, but I can't make up my mind whether it's better or not, certainly again nothing I've ever witnessed for a climax to a feature.

True love conquers all

 

                                           

                                            Check out the soundtracks on Youtube -

Or watch the film and if you loved it enough you can always get a tribute to it for life like this guy-

Bizarre, sick and disgusting season: Nekromantik(1987)

You know a film is going to be gold when the site you are watching it from does this, you get the huge red warning that you have to pass through first to access the links and then you get the rather cautious "If you say so..."  that should probably have (weirdo) added at the end because I've noticed that only occurs on the "good movies"  because they have to check if you do really want to subject yourself to that shit.  

I think I've been warned enough already...

Pull your knickers further out of the way!!

You know a film is going to be classy when it starts with a woman taking a piss on the road side whilst her rather annoyed husband is waiting in the car, he sternly tells her "we'll never get there if you keep having to go every 5 mins"  now imagine that was the last few empty minutes of your life, because that's exactly what happened these delightful people get into a nasty car-crash  "BAM!" not getting there at all now are you regardless of her road-side pissing escapades.

The crash scene is laid out in it's brutal glory like a drink driving advert, pissy knickers needs not to worry any longer because her bottom half is currently disposed of for good and her slightly aggravated husband is missing most of his face. Now surely in this situation you'd call the emergency services if you saw this crash site however a street cleaning team is dispatched to deal with this gruesome mess which is absolutely fine if you're a necrophiliac! So we meet Rob corpse cleaner by day, corpse fucker by night!

Two things about the Joe's street cleaning agency, they don't wear gloves when handling the remains or cleaning up insides of the bodies, why??? What kind of a two bit operation is this Joe running here? and yes I know I'm watching a movie about necrophilia where there is bare fleshy private parts on rotting flesh and this should have been the least of my worries!

I clearly wasn't the only one just concerned with their lack of health & safety

They didn't seem to have any body bags either and were shown to just dump the recently departed into two black bin liners! It could have been a seriously low budget episode of CSI, I was waiting for David Caruso to appear and make some shitty quip about double bagging the body then walk out with his sunglasses on to The Who blaring..

German healthcare insurance, you either have it or you get cleaned up off the street and dumped into a black plastic bag

Rob loves his job literally and is always glad to take his work home with him, he seems to collect rotting trophies, such as eyeballs, hearts, sure there was a pickled foetus in his delightful personal collection, when you first see him putting all his spoils into the various specimen jars you think he's back at the street cleaning agency storing things away and then you realise he's at his own home....where he resides with his equally as sexually deviant girlfriend Betty whose introduced to us whilst she takes a nice hot bloodbath.

They acquire their dead sex-slave through what I can describe as one of the weirdest and funniest accidental deaths I've seen in a movie, the poor fellow goes out into his back-yard to do some gardening, whilst his somewhat annoying next-door neighbour listens to loud parade music and tries unsuccessfully to shot a bird, shooting the poor fellow doing his gardening instead WHOOPS! Instead of giving himself up to the cops or reporting this unfortunate incident trigger happy just shoves him in a wheelbarrow and does a runner for it.

In come Joe's Street Cleaning Agency once again to pull our unlucky chum out of a stagnant river, by this time he seems to have decomposed quite a lot but you know that's a sexy look right?! Which is why when given the task to take him back to headquarters he decides he has a better idea for our recently departed friend and he ends up in the back of Rob's car in his makeshift bin liner body bag.

He arrives home to Betty who he excitedly shows his prize off too, she then opens the black bag up with all the glee and excitement of a child on fucking Xmas morning and so begins the most bizarre, vile and almost erotic 3 to 4 mins of my life, what had my life become that I was sat here watching this, a man erotically sucking an eye out of a corpses face, what the holy fuck? Almost as bad as the street cleaning agencies lack of hygiene!  
 

 It's just so surreal and the soundtrack adds this inappropriate dream like beauty to it all, I was expecting the whole film to have that grimy almost music-less soundtrack like a lot of underground fringe movies, but it has this phenomenal score that wouldn't be out of place in a romantic epic, I'm assuming that was the whole point but still, I guess there are moments of horror displayed within the tracks.

The dead are still very morally concious of safe sex

Even the corpse is horrified at what they are doing to him!

"No cuddling afterwards, I'm just nailed up on the wall, I feel so used"

                                         If you are feeling brave or horny - 

By the looks of it if you spend too much time fucking the dead then you get fired, Rob turns up for work late yet again and he gets fired, so how is he going to keep him and Betty in the delights of rotting flesh when he no longer has easy and free access to it.  Well that's no problem for Betty because in an hilarious turn of events she decides that she's had enough of Joe now and leaves with taking her new dead lover with her! How Jeremy Kyle would love to have a story like that! Things must be bad if your other half has run off with a corpse.

Now I know what I want from my next break-up!

They did make such a cute couple, wasn't all just fucking and hanging on the wall she read him stories too

This sends Rob off the deep end completely, no job = no way to fuck corpses = no way to fuck Betty he needs a way to satisfy his death and decay lusts and unlucky for his new pet, Rob's apartment has got enough room to swing a cat around in.

Bathing in cat's blood and guts not yet an approved elixir for eternal youth

In his madness and turmoil Rob has a beautiful dream sequence in which himself and Betty are running through the field playing catch with a head and various other human bodily organs, again the music makes it seem so elegant whilst the head tossing back and forth on the screen does make you chuckle quite a lot. There's another rather bizarre scene of him just running and screaming whilst failing his arms around that also provides a lot of humour, but I'm not sure where that scene comes into the film, it becomes quite disjointed after a short time.


I have decided to say absolutely nothing about the end of this movie, you just have to watch it seriously, all I can say is that I've never seen anything like it before! It just has that freaky beauty again with all the subtly of  Mr. Creosote blowing up in Monty Python's 'Meaning of Life'. 

If you want arty death, sex, gore, violence and music you can appreciate then this is for you! 



Do check out the soundtrack even if you're not feeling brave enough to watch the movie-