Evil Toons

 "Yes of course Fred, although we know that it wasn't the last time we were to see David Carradine in that position.  

So here we have it Evil Toons or  '3 hot girls and the nerdy one with glasses find out that being able to read Latin unleashes a demonic horny cartoon dog'. One of the first lessons you learn in this film is that if Dick Miller of Gremlins frame ever employs you clean a creepy old house just don't do it. The beginning of this film is quite ironic and rather awkward as you watch David Carradine introduce himself both willingly and happily to a noose while the number of jokes that goes through your mind is phenomenal but as tempting as it maybe ;)  I think I'll leave you all hanging on that one. 
    
A big dark scary house (where David got his kicks in the basement) and a big scary pervert (Mr.Miller's views of the girls involves a very close camera shot of each girl's gusset as they bend over "niiice") our 4 willing college girls trying to earn an extra dime with a cleaning company; The dark haired Temptress/tramp/ex-porn star Madison Stone who most of the school football team are scoring tries with, the two blonde's who really look alike and seem to be "the sensible grown-ups" one of them which is fellow ex-porn star Barbara Dare and the gawky frumpy one in glasses who we later find out has a cracking set underneath those shapeless jumpers thanks to tramp and her seductive dancing. It comes as no surprise that they were all in porn at some point. 


Mr. Carradine comes back and delivers the book/necronomicon type thing to our busty heroines, in my belief this book should have been given far more lines then it had, the purely terrible puns this thing came out with were shocking!!  "I never knew you were one to jump to conclusions" it cackles has Carradine jumps off the stool with the rope around his neck, maybe "I never knew you were into this shit" would have been more apt. 


The one piece of advice that it does give that I should have followed "in times of trouble let your conscious be your guide"  why didn't I listen to my own conscious before I watched this!! 
Once they receive the book, they get little miss glasses whose smart but with great tits to translate it, obviously after they've got a good peek at the strange perverted cartoon drawings  "look where his tongue's going" that gives you an idea of ancient demon porn.  


Once the Latin has been read our friend the horny cartoon dog emerges, whilst he *cough* struggles with our little tramp Madison the other girls just think she's getting boned by her football boyfriend and yes you heard me horny cartoon dog!!    


This film just gets even more insane when the dog then proceeds to take over the ex-porn star's body and wants to get a bit freaky with old geeky but nice rack can read Latin girl. This whole movie just has you sitting there thinking lol that dog is one lucky guy having his gory but wicked way with soo many ex-porn babes and DICK MILLER!!  
Who thought his own pervertedness could be used against him, the dog while inhibiting Madison's body seduces him into the basement after a rather pervy neighbour sensed there was something going on in the house and called him to check it out. 


Needless to say Dick got finished off. Eventually we have David Carradine to the rescue, geeky gets saved from a doggy style roasting in-front of the fire and in goes the book (noo!! we enjoyed his puns so much, he was keeping this movie alive with hope for me)  
"I'll get you in the sequel for this" cries the horny cartoon dog as he melts away much like the villain in Who framed Roger Rabbit.  
The ending could have easily been the "Who shot JR?" dream sequence, needless to say they lived to fight and f**k cartoon dogs again.  


If a Necronomicon turns up on your door-step; Carradine isn't dead just waiting to destroy an evil cartoon dog, once your brainy friend who reads Latin figures it out. Turns out Olen was predicting the truth. 


Certainly not something you would expect to see on Who Framed Roger Rabbit?   
                                                                             

The Toxic Avenger!!

"Can you imagine the size of that thing"

The Toxic Avenger 

This has to be one of my favourite Troma productions, has many of you avid horror fans already know the premise of the plot revolves around poor old geeky Melvin the mop boy who cleans up the health club of what has to be the worst town in the history of film Tromaville!   

Tromaville Health club is a place where you pump iron like a madman while snogging a hot sexy babe or smoking a very healthy cigarette (good damn I want my gym to be like this!)  however Melvin doesn't get to do any of this he just bumbles about mopping after everybody else, including Bo"I'm stressed, he's stressing me out, I'm stressed, very stressed, it's stressing me out, Linda he's stressing me" zo who takes pleasure in humiliating Melvin with his cronies. Everybody knows at least on raging asshole and he personifies them all.

Naturally assholes always have smoking hot (even literally later on) girlfriends, this is where you suddenly realise that the one thing that really makes preppy girls wet in there panties, you were correct! Running over young innocent 12yrs old on bicycles till their heads explode and then taking some lovely photos for the album! 

This gang of sexually crazed sadists need to be stopped, but our hero is not amongst us just yet.  Now imagine your perfect night alone with that one special guy, where it could be! I'm guessing you weren't thinking of the local health club, that's slug's idea of romance. Unlucky for them Melvin catches them in the act (dirty) so now begins the plan of humiliation: Melvin is seduced by blonde into wearing a clown suit (men will do anything for a shit hot blonde, trust me)  "You put on your pink and I'll take off my pink"  
This results in our poor Melvin jumping out of a window and straight into a barrel of TOXIC WASTE! with utter embarrassment. 


So The Toxic Avenger is born  "agggghhhhh"  and his life of crime fighting begins after he's scared his dear old mom to death  "Melvin is there something wrong?"  "WTF do you think?!!"  This is where some of my favourite scenes from the movie start to kick off, I just love the action sequences and typical 80s martial arts stunts that every bad guy in that period learnt at villains 101 (not even these types of films escaped it) 
Cigar-face (don't mess with him, he'll put it out on you) and his bunch of henchmen are the first to get a beating when they try to rough up the friendly neighbourhood cop but never fear Melvin is here!! Where he proceeds to gore and tear up each henchman, once you've completed that mission you leave your calling card of a mop shoved down their throat just to put extra salt into their already gaping wounds. 

       

  A local hero is created!! He saved the cop's life, however Cigar face swore revenge!! 
The restaurant scene has to be the best, I mean how many different ways in a taco house is there to kill a man? Seriously!  The black guy gets his arm ripped off first I mean that has got to sting, Leroy (the lost member of a failing glam rock band) gets turned into a very yummy looking ice-cream dessert complete with a cherry on top! The third guy gets served extra crispy mmmmm, and our friend with one arm gets cooked to perfection.  


 He saves and meets the love of his life Sarah who he saves from the restaurant, she's blind (well she'd have to be wouldn't she, I mean come on!) but his voice is really dreamy, I'm going to admit that yes I did just say that. What other lady wouldn't agree with me, he had to have something to make up for his deformed looks, a really nice voice *swoon*  anyway they set-up home together: awww queue really sweet scenes of them moving in together, how delightful. 
It all goes wrong when Toxic decides to wash a little old lady whose presumed to be an innocent and he also gets his revenge on the group of turd teenagers Slug, Bozo "I'm getting stressed!, she's stressing me, I'm stressing"  and the two sadistic females,  The brunette gains a smoking hot ass ;)  and the blonde Linda is hunted down. Slug and Bozo get completely totalled in an old ladies car when Melvin catches up with them. 


Melvin himself is then hunted down when the crooked mayor launches a manhunt one him after he stuffed the old lady in the washing machine, I mean come on she couldn't have shrunk anymore! It's fine.
You get shown a great scene of Melvin and Sarah walking together down the street together "Do I look inconspicuous?" asks the radio active man in what appears to be "human" day clothing nicked straight from The Thing's closet.   
Melvin and Sarah set-up a love shack tent together while the villagers gather around like an angry mob, with the army there as well, they could have just had a really twisted style take on The Blues Brother ending. 
However you get that happily ever after feeling, when the villagers decide that he's way to much of a hero to them to destroy him, the little midget old lady isn't so innocent after all and the mayor gets his just desserts!! 


So THE TOXIC AVENGER!! lives to battle evil another day. *Queue scene of going off into the sunset*       

Skinned Deep

I was drawn into this movie simply from the delightful cover [insert laugh] and the sheer description: "Girl forced to marry mutant hill billy"  what could possibly go wrong?

The simple premise to the plot of this movie is the Rockwell family vacation, a cheer full all American family rolling through backwater America in their RV. However the daughter gets kidnapped and is forced to marry an inbreed from a family of mutants, to which the blurb declares "will have to use her own cunning and wit" to escape from.

A few spoilers but nobody is going to seriously want to watch this, I've included a Youtube vid of the only bit you need to see lol  

This movie starts basically when the Rockwells get a flat tyre (flat tyre being the queue for "shit's about to go down") so the father decides to go and get help. He come across this local cafe, which is run by an old woman/"grandma" (think Mother's day) who declares that her son is great with cars and invites them to her house.
This is where it starts to get fun, the family find their way to her home, which is a run down old boarded up shanty, she welcomes them has they arrive to the door. The house was decorated by the TCM family so the Rockwells pretend this is fairly normal and just pretend to be pleased for for the hospitality.
By now I'm just thinking this as already done everything in the good old horror book of cheesy movie situations.

Bring on the freaks!!!

Meet the family: We're then treated to a host of colourful characters which include, the surgeon general who we find out doesn't like having his photo taken, so that mom and dad out of the picture in no time.

Brain/Bryan, that name says it all basically to how he's mutated

and then the only reason I decided to watch this piece of garbage in the first place:

Warwick Davies!! when you see his name on the front of a movie that also had a mutant with a metal mouth looking pissed you kind of wonder what the hell he's doing in this  :-*

He's an insane plate throwing midget dressed in all in white with a serious cause of ADHD, called you guessed it Plates.

Warwick in action

Mom's died, Dad's died, your pain in the ass brother gets halved by the Surgeon General and Brain has a serious crush on you.

So what do you do?

That's it! You get tied to a truck, get forced to be kill a guy (by putting a little bit of sand in his mouth?), you then pretend to be crazy, lure Brain into a fault sense of security and kill them as he goes to kiss you.  Once them are done, you then go on a killing spree, bye bye grandma.

This is where it gets more like wtf and they try to get clever by saying "hey this isn't any normal cheap mutant hill billy slasher" with the creator and all his philosophical non-sense about the human race, that you don't give a shit about, because you want to see more mutants dissolving the way Brain did.

The creator turns out to be what I can only describe as a mutilated foetus with dreadlocks, I also need to mention that he's in the robotic body of a body builder, this ensures a laugh out loud fight scene.
She then has a tumble with old metal mouth general. Now what to do now, I know I'll see if the creator's robot body was anatomically correct by whipping up his loin cloth, although his loin cloth had dynamite label across it maybe she wanted to test the claim  ;)  low and behold, actual dynamite to blow up this god damned crap fest so we can all ride off into the sunset.

The general (he's relentless) gets smoked and she has to run him down right after a dream sequence of her died family saying forgiveness is the way, why didn't they just say that at the start and save us all.
Metal mouth gets fucked, robot mutant son of a bitch. She gets to the police station where you get that "clever" ending, she's stuck there, locals all in on it, police is going to finish her.
Credits roll with her screaming, so you scream with her for having wasted your time.

Over all on my list of worst low budget horror movie I've ever seen, Warwick Davies is absolutely brilliant though and there're a few laughable scenes in between the bad acting from princess Rockwell. Not an avoid at all costs, just a well see it for the madness if you fancy lol.

Welcome guys and ghouls.

Welcome to Nadia's Necronomicon of Horror Reviews.  

I have decided that I want to share my own individual take on the horror genre, so I'll be reviewing some of the wackiest, goriest and bloodiest that have ever been made. 

I seem to always stumble across a lot of really mind boggling stuff and it's at those moments where you think man I have to share this with other people, this is unbelievable. 

I'll also be doing some classic and monster movie reviews.

Enjoy the reviews my fellow gore-hounds.